A Guide on How to Use IFS to Reduce Your Fear of Flying - Part 2
- Anna Filipski
- Apr 3
- 7 min read
A guest blog with Anna Filipski, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor.
I asked a few professionals what they would tell my clients who have a fear of flying if they were to come to them. This week, I'm excited to introduce you to Anna Filipski, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with nearly 25 years of experience in
counseling and psychotherapy. She is a Certified Brainspotting Practitioner and an IFS Level I Therapist with a BA in Psychology and an MA in Counseling from the University of Central Florida.
The beauty of Internal Family Systems (IFS) is that Internal Family Systems (IFS) can alleviate fears indirectly by working with the overall internal system rather than focusing solely on the fear itself. Instead of forcing exposure to the fear (as in traditional phobia treatments), IFS helps by healing the parts of you that hold fear or try to manage it, creating a natural reduction in anxiety.
How IFS Helps Reduce Fear Without Directly Confronting It
1. Strengthening Self-Leadership
IFS helps people connect with their Self—the calm, compassionate, and wise core part of them that can hold space for fears.
When Self is more present, fearful parts automatically relax, even without directly addressing a specific fear.
Example: A person struggling with general anxiety might not focus on their fear of heights but, by increasing Self-energy, they naturally feel more confident and grounded in many situations.
2. Healing Protective Parts That Fuel Fear
Many fears are maintained by protective parts that try to keep the person safe (e.g., a hypervigilant part that scans for danger).
By building trust with these parts and helping them relax their extreme roles, fear responses naturally lessen over time.
Example: A part that avoids public speaking out of fear of judgment may calm down when it no longer has to carry old burdens of shame.
3. Unburdening Deeper Emotional Wounds
Fearful responses often stem from exiled parts carrying past pain (e.g., childhood memories of helplessness).
By healing these wounded parts, the nervous system becomes less reactive overall, reducing fear-based reactions in multiple areas of life.
Example: Someone with a fear of flying may have an exiled part carrying childhood memories of feeling out of control. Once that part is unburdened, the fear of flying softens naturally—even without exposure therapy.
4. Creating Internal Safety
Many fears come from parts that don’t feel safe inside—leading to external anxieties.
IFS builds inner trust and safety, making external fears less overwhelming without forcing confrontation.
Example: A person with social anxiety may stop overthinking interactions once they feel secure internally, rather than by forcing social exposure.
Why This Approach is So Powerful
✅ Fear reduces naturally as inner harmony grows—without force or suppression.
✅ Healing one fear often reduces others—since the system no longer needs extreme protectors.
✅ Lasting change—since fear is not just managed, but transformed at its root.
IFS Exercise: Cultivating Self-Energy to Calm Protective Parts
This simple exercise helps you connect with Self-energy, allowing protective parts (like anxiety, control, or avoidance) to relax naturally. By regularly practicing this, you build internal safety and trust, reducing fear without forcing confrontation.
Step 1: Settle into the Present Moment
Find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed.
Take three slow, deep breaths, letting your body relax with each exhale.
Notice any physical sensations (warmth, tension, tingling) without trying to change them.
Step 2: Identify a Protective Part
Bring awareness to a part of you that often reacts with fear or control.
Ask yourself:
What part of me feels responsible for keeping me safe?
How does this part show up (tight chest, racing thoughts, avoidance, over-preparing)?
What is this part afraid would happen if it didn’t do its job?
Step 3: Connect with the Part from Self-Energy
Instead of trying to change it, observe it with curiosity—like meeting an old friend.
Silently say to it:
“I see you. I know you’ve been working hard to protect me.”
“I appreciate what you’re doing for me.”
Notice how it responds when it feels seen and understood.
Step 4: Offer Reassurance
Ask this part:
“What do you need from me right now?”
If it’s willing, let it relax its role and trust Self to lead.
You can say:
“I’ve got this. You don’t have to work so hard anymore.”
“You’re safe with me.”
Step 5: Check-In & Close the Practice
Notice if the part feels any lighter or less tense.
Thank it for showing up, and let it know you’ll check in again.
Take a final deep breath and gently return to the present moment.
Why This Works
✅ Builds trust between Self and protective parts, allowing fear-based responses to ease naturally.
✅ Creates internal safety, reducing the need for external control or avoidance.
✅ Helps parts relax without forcing exposure to the fear itself.
For some individuals with trauma, accessing Self-energy can be challenging because protective parts are often hyperactive, distrustful, or overwhelmed by past pain. Trauma can make it feel as though there is no Self at all, when in reality, it is always present—it’s just buried under protective layers.
Steps to Access More Self-Energy for Highly Traumatized People
1. Start with Small Moments of Safety
Trauma often makes parts feel like they are in constant danger.
Instead of forcing access to Self, start by creating small moments of internal and external safety (e.g., wrapping yourself in a blanket, holding a warm drink, or sitting in a peaceful space).
Ask: “Is there even 1% of me that feels safe right now?”—This gentle opening can help parts notice that safety is possible.
2. Befriend the Protectors First
Many traumatized people have strong protectors (hypervigilance, dissociation, numbing, anxiety, perfectionism).
Instead of pushing them away, acknowledge them with respect:
“I see you. I know you’ve been working hard to keep me safe.”
“You don’t have to go away—I just want to understand you.”
When protectors feel seen rather than resisted, they start relaxing, making space for Self to emerge.
3. Use Grounding to Strengthen the Self-Connection
Trauma disconnects people from their bodies, so gentle grounding helps access Self. Try:
Feeling your feet on the floor and noticing their pressure.
Taking slow, deep breaths and naming five things you see around you.
Holding your heart and saying, “I am here.”
4. Look for Glimpses of Self
Instead of expecting a big shift, notice small moments where Self-energy naturally appears:
A moment of curiosity instead of judgment.
A second of calm between waves of emotion.
A gentle voice inside saying, “It’s okay.”
Even one-second of Self-energy is a sign that it’s there and can grow stronger.
5. Ask Protective Parts for Permission
Some parts won’t trust Self right away—they need to feel in control.
Instead of fighting them, ask for permission:
“Would you be open to letting me (Self) be with you for a moment?”
“What would help you trust me a little more?”
Over time, protectors step back, allowing Self to take the lead.
6. Work with a Therapist or Safe Guide
For deep trauma, having a supportive guide (therapist, friend, mentor) can help.
Sometimes Self-energy is harder to access alone, but easier when felt through a compassionate presence first.
Why This Approach Works
✅ No force, no pressure—Self naturally emerges when protectors feel safe.
✅ Builds trust over time—even if trauma has made it feel impossible.
✅ Honors the whole system—instead of trying to “get rid” of fear or pain.
Daily Practice: Cultivating Self-Energy for Trauma Healing
This simple 5-10 minute practice helps you gradually access more Self-energy, even when trauma makes it feel far away. Over time, this practice builds inner trust, safety, and calm.
🌿 Step 1: Settle into the Present Moment
Find a quiet place where you feel as safe as possible.
Take a slow, deep breath in through your nose… and gently exhale through your mouth.
Repeat three times, noticing how your body feels.
If possible, place a hand on your heart or another comforting place (this signals safety to the nervous system).
🌼 Step 2: Notice Any Protective Parts
Close your eyes (if comfortable) and turn your attention inward.
Ask yourself:
“What part of me is most present right now?”
“Is there a part that feels anxious, numb, tense, or protective?”
Notice without judgment—just observe it like a kind witness.
🌊 Step 3: Acknowledge the Part With Compassion
Gently say to this part:
“I see you. I know you’re here for a reason.”
“I don’t need you to change or go away.”
“You are welcome here.”
This helps parts feel safe enough to soften, making room for Self-energy.
💛 Step 4: Invite Self to Lead
Ask inside:
“Can I hold space for this part from a calm, kind place?”
“What does this part need right now?”
If nothing comes up, that’s okay—just breathe and stay present.
If you feel even 1% calmer or more curious, that’s Self-energy growing!
🌿 Step 5: Close With Gratitude & Grounding
Thank your parts for showing up, even if they didn’t shift.
Take a deep breath and slowly open your eyes.
Notice three things around you (e.g., a sound, a color, the feel of your clothes).
Silently say:
“I am here. I am safe. I am not alone.”
Why This Works
✅ Helps protective parts feel acknowledged, so they relax over time.
✅ Strengthens Self-energy without forcing change.
✅ Works even if you feel disconnected—because awareness itself is healing.
Try this daily (even for 2 minutes) and notice how your inner world begins to shift. 💙
More about Anna and how to connect with her
Anna spent a decade in community mental health and group psychiatric practice before
launching her private practice, where she's been empowering clients for the last 14 years. For the past 5 years, Anna has focused exclusively on supporting women. She’s an expert in
guiding women through the rollercoaster of motherhood, perimenopause, and menopause, and
she specializes in working with high-achieving women to manage high-functioning anxiety and
heal from complex trauma.
Anna is passionate about holistic and evidence-based therapy, blending modalities like Internal
Family Systems, Brainspotting, and other somatic therapies to help her clients heal and thrive.
Her dedication to compassionate care shines through in her ability to foster resilience, enhance
relationships, and empower women through life's major transitions.
Anna loves to travel, run, and dive into a good book when she's not in her office. A lifelong
learner and advocate for women’s rights, she’s on a mission to bust myths about menopause
and provide accurate, empowering information to women and their support networks. As a
trauma survivor herself, Anna is deeply committed to helping women heal, guiding them toward
a balanced, fulfilling, and harmonious life.
Phone: 321.217.2349
